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Primal Screen

I scream, you scream… we all scream over Stephen King's 'Bag of Bones'

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Stephen King’s Bag of Bones (8 pm Sunday, A&E)
The miniseries wastes no time scaring you to death. With horror movies I can usually keep my wits about me at least through the credit sequence, but not this time, thanks to merciless music, editing, and imagery. Pierce Brosnan plays Michael, a bestselling author who loses his wife (Annabeth Gish) in an accident — though “lose” is probably overstating it. She keeps appearing to him in terrible nightmares that I suggest experiencing with your eyes closed and the TV volume turned down really low. (Whoever handled the sound for this production deserves an Emmy in hell.)
Since he’s apparently never seen a Stephen King adaptation before, Michael makes the crazy decision to write his next novel on the lonely Maine estate where his wife had spent time doing mysterious things. Cue ghostly moaning.

I applaud Bag of Bones’ effectiveness while regretting that I’ll have to sleep with the lights on for the next few weeks.

12 Dates of Christmas (7pm Sunday, ABC Family)
Christmas is the traditional time for gorgeous-but-lonely people to find true love in holiday TV movies. Sometimes it requires supernatural intervention, as in 12 Dates of Christmas. On Christmas Eve, misguided Kate (Amy Smart) blows off a date with fellow gorgeous-but-lonely person Miles (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) to pant after her unworthy ex-boyfriend. But a magical puff of perfume in a department store causes her to relive Christmas Eve over and over, a la Groundhog Day. It takes awhile before she realizes that hunky, kind, witty Miles is — duh — the guy for her.
That “duh” is a problem. We know exactly where 12 Dates is going, and there’s not enough charm in the acting or script to make us look forward to seeing the same scenes replayed several times. “It’s like a skipping record!” Kate says.

Right. And remember what a pleasant sensation that is?

My Fair Wedding with David Tutera (8pm Sunday, WeTV)
Wedding planner David Tutera travels the country to help couples plan their dream weddings. In every episode, his second-most-important objective is to make the bride feel special. His most important objective is to make himself feel special.

David is comfortable being called “a leading artistic visionary” in his official WeTV biography, and he certainly conducts himself like one — though “visionary” is not a word usually applied to a guy who picks out bridesmaid dresses and party favors. But don’t tell that to David, who keeps referring to “my bride,” as if she’s merely a component in his Sistine Chapel ceiling. During the wedding ceremonies, the focus stays squarely on him rather the bride and groom, and he’s thanked profusely in the toasts.

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