Food & Drink
The Year in Drunk: 8 hazy recollections of 2013
Published: December 23, 2013
5) Kenneth Faried’s a Sexy Individual (and other musings)
What begins as a cringe-worthy TMZ video with tipsy Denver Nuggets NBA star Kenneth Faried as he’s exiting a club (the white ‘n’ nerdy videographer asks how long it takes to grow dreads, causing a member of Faried’s entourage to exclaim, “What the fuck is this shit?” and promptly take over the camera with the reasoning, “I’m black.”) turns into internet gold. Faux-aggravated that the videographer didn’t know who he was, Faried whips out his cover of ESPN Magazine’s Body Issue (on which he appears nude), shoves it toward the camera lens and says, “look at them yams, oh my God, look at them abs,” and tells the interviewer he wasn’t nervous during the photo shoot because he has a big dick. Duh.
4) Reese Witherspoon Getting Arrested
I drew the line at most DUI and other drunk and disorderly arrests because, well, they’re not generally that funny and can sometimes be quite worrisome. But apparently, even Reese Witherspoon thinks the video from her April arrest was pretty hysterical. Witherspoon and husband Jim Toth were pulled over in Atlanta, Ga. and Toth was arrested for a DUI. Witherspoon, who later admitted on Good Morning America that she was hammered at the time, got indignant, refused to obey the officer’s order that she stay in the car and used all sorts of quotable excuses while doing so. After first pleading that she was pregnant and needed to pee (always believable coming from a drunk woman) she then fell back on the old reliable “I’m a U.S. citizen, I’m allowed to stand on American ground.” She then dropped some script-worthy lines like, “I’m obstructing YOUR justice?!” and, “this is just BEYOND” before getting arrested for obstruction of justice.
3) ‘The World’s End’
One of critics’ favorite comedies this year centered on delusional middle-aged loser Gary King (Simon Pegg, Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead) and his demented quest to get his gang of high school chums back together to finish a pub crawl they’d abandoned more than 20 years ago. As they stumble from tavern to tavern in their quaint English hometown, the boys get just bleary-eyed enough to see that all’s not well in the hamlet. Soon they’re decapitating bad guys, mending fences and saving the world, as one does on a right proper bender.
2) ‘Drunk History’
Surprisingly, this was not just an extra credit assignment by hammered liberal arts students. Upon debuting on website Funny or Die in 2007, Drunk History had said wasted liberal arts kids in tears with ridiculous revisions of history courtesy of some drunk who’s perpetually on the cusp of vomiting. If you’ve ever listened to your inebriated college roommate tell you “what really happened” with communism (guilty) and wished for some celebrity cameos to make it even funnier, this is your show. Comedy Central picked it up this year, complete with a hysterical retelling of the battle of the Alamo by Comedy Bang Bang’s Matt Gourley (also starring Saturday Night Live’s Chris Parnell as Jim Bowie and a cameo by SA’s Esquire Tavern). It’s been renewed for a second season in 2014. I’ll drink to that.
1) French Teens Take Llama on Subway Joyride
Let’s cut to the chase. This was the coolest thing to happen this year, period. Fuck Paul Ryan and Patty Murray’s budget deal. Fuck Beyonce’s surprise album. Fuck legalizing weed and gay marriage. Five young French dudes got drunk in Bordeaux (as is customary), broke into a circus and left with Serge the Llama, who they tried to take on the metro with them in a prank respected French singer Serge Lama (no relation) said “helped break the ambience of moroseness in France.” Salut!
> Email Callie Enlow