Trending
MOST READ
Lt. Governor Race: the \'Luchadora\' vs. the Tea Party radio host

Lt. Governor Race: the 'Luchadora' vs. the Tea Party radio host

News: A few Saturdays ago, I spent several hours hanging around a Texas Realtors Association conference in San Antonio, trying to catch state Sen. Dan Patrick... By Alexa Garcia-Ditta 9/17/2014
Best Brunch

Best Brunch

Best of SA 2013: 4/24/2013
Beaches Be Trippin\': Five Texas Coast Spots Worth the Drive

Beaches Be Trippin': Five Texas Coast Spots Worth the Drive

Arts & Culture: Let’s face it, most of us Lone Stars view the Texas coast as a poor man’s Waikiki. Hell, maybe just a poor man’s Panama Beach — only to be used... By Callie Enlow 7/10/2013
Jessica Chastain and James McAvoy Disappear into ‘Eleanor Rigby’

Jessica Chastain and James McAvoy Disappear into ‘Eleanor Rigby’

Screens: “If you’re going to start, you might as well start big,” an ambitious person once said. Ned Benson must have been paying attention, because for his first... By Cameron Meier 9/17/2014
Daniela Riojas’ Photographic Studies in Self-discovery

Daniela Riojas’ Photographic Studies in Self-discovery

Arts & Culture: Daniela Riojas explores ideas of the figure in art, Latin American rituals, letting go of the past, and Jungian archetypes in... By Tom Turner 9/17/2014
Calendar

Search hundreds of restaurants in our database.

Search hundreds of clubs in our database.

Follow us on Instagram @sacurrent

Print Email

Nightlife

Four Commandments for scoring at Rollergirls-hosted speed-dating event

Photo: Illustration by Chuck Kerr, License: N/A

Illustration by Chuck Kerr


How can you not score on a first date when your third wheel is an entire team of roller derby girls? Not to mention that said date takes place at a punk-rock metal venue that often features $1 tequila shots? Plus: The entire venue is painted jet black, save for some horrific zombie-themed art embedded in a dimly lit wall.

This is exactly what awaits you at 9 p.m. Friday when the women of the Alamo City Rollergirls present Speed Dating V.2 at Nightrocker Live. It’s $20 to sign up and you will be eligible to win one of the many door prizes sponsored by the Adult Video Megaplexxx (one “x” was not enough to convey the adult-themed material).

Remember, this is a speed-dating event, so you will have to condense all the charm and savoir faire you have into a two-minute chunk of time. For those of you who don’t know what savoir faire is, relax — you’re fully prepared. For those of you new to whirlwind matchmaking, I have selected a few simple rules to help guide you.

No corsages necessary. It’s a meet and greet, not a Mormon prom.

Speed dating doesn’t mean methamphetamines. (But if you must, please do so responsibly. Only snort the exact amount you lack in personality — not one sniff more). Nobody wants to be trapped talking to the sweaty-undershirt guy trying to convince them just exactly why “the bassist is what really made Van Halen awesome!” — unless your name is Michael Anthony, that is.

Strip-club rules, fellas. Look, but no touch. Seriously, these derby girls make Rosie the Riveter look like the princess from Super Mario Bros. The last thing you want on a first date is a meaty, freshly lotioned forearm to the throat (coconut and dried blood, my favorite!).

Finally, if you’re lucky enough to snag a second date, may I suggest meeting the next day at the Guadalupe Cultural Arts Center for a free roller-derby demonstration? You might even learn a new move or two you can use later, including “forearm to the throat” (the safety word is “methamphetamines”).

Sign up early online at junojuantes@gmail.com before it fills up! •

We welcome user discussion on our site, under the following guidelines:

To comment you must first create a profile and sign-in with a verified DISQUS account or social network ID. Sign up here.

Comments in violation of the rules will be denied, and repeat violators will be banned. Please help police the community by flagging offensive comments for our moderators to review. By posting a comment, you agree to our full terms and conditions. Click here to read terms and conditions.
comments powered by Disqus