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College Issue 2014

15 Types of Commonly Encountered College Students

Photo: Dmitri Jackson, License: N/A

Dmitri Jackson

Photo: , License: N/A


1. The Kiss-Ass
Usually a freshman, this student tries to absorb everything the teacher says and immediately after class rushes to talk to the teacher for 15 extra minutes about what was just covered.
Behaviors include: sporting the latest and greatest North Face backpack, functioning as a walking Office Depot and speed-walking to the next class (queue action music).

2. The Beer Bro
Beer Bro stays up all night drinking with his friends and suffers for it when he crawls into class. This person usually brags about how they got “SOOOO WASTED” last night. But come on, it really isn’t that cool, man.
Traits include: droopy eyes, water bottle with Alka-Seltzer and sleeping through class.

3. The Buzzer
Everyone knows one and you might be one—don’t lie. You know, the one whose phone buzzes every two minutes, either with a text from the sweetheart or a Twitter mention.
Behaviors include: looking down at their phone 75 percent of the time during class and smiling at, well, who knows what.

4. The Social Crusader
This character is involved in everything and tries to get you to join the club he’s trying to start up. He has good intentions (indulge him every now and again) but not everyone is cut out for everything.
Traits include: confident, peppy and most likely wearing some club’s shirt.

5. The Typist
People don’t care if you bring your laptop to class for notes, but come on: Is it really necessary to slam down on the keyboard trying to type every word that comes out of the professor’s mouth?
Behaviors include: eyes glued to the laptop screen, cracking fingers due to nonstop typing and taking that quick glance-away-from-the-screen-and-widen-the-eyes break.

6. The Genuinely Nice Guy
Not to sound harsh, but this person is a dying breed. Nowadays, almost every guy makes fun of something or someone. They don’t start conversations or help out. You’ll know when you meet this guy, there’s a big difference between a nice guy and total d-bag.
Behaviors include: flashing a bright smile to nearly every life-form in the classroom while disregarding cliques.

7. The Stoner
Need I say more? You can look at this person’s Twitter or Instagram and immediately conclude, “Yup, this person is high.” When they stumble into class you’ll think, “How are they even passing?”
Traits include: bloodshot eyes, inappropriate giggling and delayed reactions.

8. The Brooding Loner
Let’s imagine that Christian Slater’s character from the 1988 film Heathers [spoiler alert] survived that bomb blast and actually went to college. That’s the brooding loner. At first, you think he’s totally nice and he’ll offer you that I’d-like-to-get-know-you cigarette. But once he’s got your attention, he’s generally bad news. Just don’t get ahead of yourself, he’s not going to pull out a gun on the jocks or poison your best friend, hopefully.
Behaviors include: distancing himself from the crowd and staring off into space, probably plotting how to sabotage his next victim.

College Issue 2014
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