Scholastic breakdown: A totally unscientific but utterly believable survey of San Antonio's centers of higher learnin'

How hot is the student body? 6
Stuckupedness quotient? 5
Likelihood livestock could make
an appearance at a raging keg party? 2
Ease of surviving without a car? 6
Chance of getting mugged/raped/robbed on campus? 3
Prevalence of drugs in the dorms? 4
Professors know their shit? 8
Availability of cheap (good) eats? 4
Cafeteria flexible with special diets? 5
Teams worth rooting for? 2
Mascot coolness? 8
Likely to witness a random act of nudity? 2
Administration cares if I live or die? 7
Dorms (Misery Motel or Holiday Inn)? 5
Quality of education experience overall? 9
Storied UIW is also well known for ghostly hauntings on campus. Spirits have been reportedly spotted in the Coates Theatre and its dressing rooms. Ghostly ootsteps have been heard in the Brackenridge Villa. The spirit of a little boy has been seen in the Administration Building, and a woman’s spectral face has also been seen in the water at the Blue Hole. — Lauren Silva

Our Lady of the Lake University

How hot is the student body? 4.4
Stuckupedness quotient? 4.6
Likelihood livestock could make
an appearance at a raging keg party? 2.25
Ease of surviving without a car? 5.5
Chance of getting mugged/raped/robbed on campus? 2.6
Prevalence of drugs in the dorms? 2.6
Professors know their shit? 8.3
Availability of cheap (good) eats? 4.1
Cafeteria flexible with special diets? 5.2
Teams worth rooting for? 7
Mascot coolness? 1.7
Likely to witness a random act of nudity? 1.8
Administration cares if I live or die? 6.1
Dorms (Misery Motel or Holiday Inn)? 5.1
Quality of education experience overall? 8.4
If you are talking about guys. There is a lack of guys in general. The OLLU ratio is like 10 girls per guy. People say college is a place to find future spouses. Ha ha. Good luck with that. When my friends do see a cute guy on campus it’s a huge deal. “Look there’s a cute guy!” “WHERE?!” — Gianna Rendon

San Antonio College

How hot is the student body? 6.2
Stuckupedness quotient? 4.3
Likelihood livestock could make an
appearance at a raging keg party? 4.7
Ease of surviving without a car? 6.2
Chance of getting mugged/raped/robbed on campus? 4.6
Prevalence of drugs? 6.3
Professors know their shit? 7.5
Availability of cheap (good) eats? 6.4
Cafeteria flexible with special diets? 4.5
Teams worth rooting for? 2.5
Mascot coolness? 2.3
Likely to witness a random act of nudity? 3
Administration cares if I live or die? 5.5
Dorms (Misery Motel or Holiday Inn)? *
Quality of education experience overall? 7.5
“There has to be at least one guy in every class who always smells like marijuana.” — Oscar Garcia
* No dorms available.

Texas A&M, San Antonio

How hot is the student body? 4.2
Stuckupedness quotient? 3.9
Likelihood livestock could make an
appearance at a raging keg party? *
Ease of surviving without a car? 2.4
Chance of getting mugged/raped/robbed on campus? 3.6
Prevalence of drugs in the dorms? *
Professors know their shit? 8.4
Availability of cheap (good) eats? 5
Cafeteria flexible with special diets? 8.2
Teams worth rooting for? *
Mascot coolness? 6.4
Likely to witness a random act of nudity? .8
Administration cares if I live or die? 6.2
Dorms (Misery Motel or Holiday Inn)? *
Quality of education experience overall? 7.8
“I’m going here because the tuition is cheaper than other campuses that I’ve looked into.” — Anonymous
* No dorms available.