Scholastic breakdown: A totally unscientific but utterly believable survey of San Antonio's centers of higher learnin'

Let's forget about the alphabet soup of college life — all those GPA's and GRE's and ACT's — and get down to what really matters: how you, the student, feels on campus, the hottie ratios at your parties, that unmistakable sense that the tweed jackets actually give a flip about you. We sent out our interns to survey campuses around San Antonio to find out what students thought about their higher education experience. While the professors at Trinity University “know their shit” better than their peers at other esteemed institutions around town, it's the University of the Incarnate Word that sweeps the soon-to-be-coveted overall quality selection. And the least cool mascot? Congratulations, Our Lady. Seems the rechristened Saints, just ain't cuttin' it.

UTSA

How hot is the student body? 4.8
Stuckupedness quotient? 5.7
Likelihood livestock could make
an appearance at a raging keg party? 0.1
Ease of surviving without a car? 2.75
Chance of getting mugged/raped/robbed on campus? 2.8
Prevalence of drugs in the dorms? 6.1
Professors know their shit? 5.4
Availability of cheap (good) eats? 3.9
Cafeteria flexible with special diets? 3.6
Teams worth rooting for? 4.4
Mascot coolness? 6
Likely to witness a random act of nudity? 2
Administration cares if I live or die? 3
Dorms (Misery Motel or Holiday Inn)? 3.5
Quality of education experience overall? 6
Nudity? “I would have said 'one,' but the bathroom etiquette needs some work.” — Nathan Lang

Trinity

How hot is the student body? 6.4
Stuckupedness quotient? 5.5
Likelihood livestock could make
an appearance at a raging keg party? 3.6
Ease of surviving without a car? 5.3
Chance of getting mugged/raped/robbed on campus? 1.8
Prevalence of drugs in the dorms? 6.7
Professors know their shit? 9
Availability of cheap (good) eats? 5.8
Cafeteria flexible with special diets? 5.2
Teams worth rooting for? 6.7
Mascot coolness? 4
Likely to witness a random act of nudity? 5.5
Administration cares if I live or die? 8.1
Dorms (Misery Motel or Holiday Inn)? 7.5
Quality of education experience overall? 8.4
High nudity here. A “Calvert Ghost” run occurs annually when freshman living in Calvert Hall cover themselves in flour and run around campus naked.

St. Mary's University

How hot is the student body? 3
Stuckupedness quotient? 6
Likelihood livestock could make
an appearance at a raging keg party? 1
Ease of surviving without a car? 6
Chance of getting mugged/raped/robbed on campus? 1
Prevalence of drugs in the dorms? 4
Professors know their shit? 8
Availability of cheap (good) eats? 5
Cafeteria flexible with special diets? 6
Teams worth rooting for? 3
Mascot coolness? 4
Likely to witness a random act of nudity? 1
Administration cares if I live or die? 6
Dorms (Misery Motel or Holiday Inn)? 5
Quality of education experience overall? 8
“I don’t feel like a number but an actual student,” — Katy San Miguel

University of the Incarnate Word