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Savage Love: Vacated

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I am sounding like a prude and a killjoy. I’m not. I’m pretty sure you can pull off some version of what you wish—with a measure of safety—when you’re thinking a little more clearly. I’m all for seizing ecstasy in the present while exorcising the horrors of your past. I’m just saying, know thyself a tad better. When you’re thinking more clearly, you’ll be a better judge of the right not-rapist, one who will respect your script.

As for your last question—“Am I still a gay girl?”—let go of categories. Our human complexity outdoes the divides. If you’re turned on by both genders—and almost every bit of research I’ve encountered over the last eight years of writing about desire suggests that women often are—count yourself lucky. Your options are enviably wide.
Daniel Bergner

Chris Savage is Michigan’s most widely read progressive political blogger. Rachel Maddow calls Chris’s blog—Eclectablog.com—“the indispensable Michigan politics source.” In addition to his writing, he is an organizer for the Michigan Democratic Party, where work is already under way to return control of Michigan’s state government to Democrats in 2014. You can (and should) follow Chris on Twitter @Eclectablog.

I am a 21-year-old straight male. I am in love but miserable. My girlfriend has a bad temper and is extremely needy. She is rude to my 7-year-old brother and gets angry when I spend time with him. She won’t allow me to see family or other friends because I have to spend all of my free time with her. Sometimes she hits me when she’s angry. She reads all my texts, but when I ask to read hers, she won’t let me. The problem is, I love her. She says she can’t live without me, and I’m worried that if I break up with her, she’ll do something drastic. What can I do? Please help!
–Manipulated Man

Let’s take a look at a few of the descriptors you used for this hideous person you say you’re in love with: bad temper, needy, rude, angry, violent. Based on your description, I’d throw in manipulative and controlling, too. Where are all the positive words people in love normally use? In other words, why do you love her? Because the person you have described is decidedly unlovable.

Here in Michigan, the right-wingers that have taken over our state have demonized our teachers and made “union member” into a slanderous phrase. They’ve worked overtime to take away women’s reproductive rights and raised taxes on the poor and the elderly. They’ve been complete assholes to everyone but their business pals. But every now and then, they do something nice. When they do, people fall all over themselves to thank them. Then these assholes turn around and do the same stuff all over again.

That’s the position you’re in. You have a choice to make—continue to be treated like a doormat by this abusive woman, or recognize that you’re being abused and kick her to the curb. You’ll soon find out that she can live just fine without having you to wipe her feet on. You’re fortunate, MM: You can do this now. In Michigan, we have to wait until Election Day 2014. —Chris Savage

A big thank you to Daniel Bergner and Chris Savage for filling in for me over the last two weeks. To read all of their SLLOTD responses, go slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/savage-love.

On the Savage Lovecast: Brazilian waxes for men, from the waxer’s perspective, at savagelovecast.com

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