Arts & Culture
Savage Love: Taking Advantage
Published: July 30, 2014
I am wondering when the best time is to mention being in an open relationship to new girls. I’m a 27-year-old straight guy who’s been in an open relationship for six years. I often seek out extracurricular activities, but I am unsure of how to bring up my situation without doors closing. I wrote to a seduction blogger who often writes about open relationships, and his advice was to not mention it until I’ve had sex with the girl a few times and to not bring them to my apartment that I share with my girlfriend. This feels contrary to my nature, which is very straightforward, but is it perhaps the better method? Indeed, many of my “potentials” have been scared away when they learn of my relationship status. What are your thoughts on the matter?
—Straightforward Honesty Offends Potentials
If your goal is to maximize the amount of pussy in your life without any regard for the feelings of the women who happen to be attached to those pussies, SHOP, then you should definitely take the advice of the PUA (“pickup artist”) blogger. But that’s only if you wanna be a huge asshole who gets tons of pussy. If you wanna be a decent dude who gets more than enough pussy—and “enough is as good as a feast,” as Mary Poppins says—then you’ll listen to me.
Tell “potentials” after the third hang/date/whatever. Let them get to know you a bit, then spill—before fucking but after they’ve made a small emotional investment in you. They’ll be more likely to reconsider prejudices they may have against guys in open relationships after they’ve gotten to know a semi-straightforward one and perhaps be less quick to slam the door.
But unless it’s a clear case of drunken-one-night-stand/NSA encounter, no lying by omission—no matter what the PUA/POS blogger says. Most single people up for fucking a new person not once, not twice, but a few times are seeking someone with long-term potential. There are lots of single people out there seeking sex for sex’s sake, of course, but a majority of sex-for-sex’s-sake types are hoping to leverage it into something more at some point. And most single people make the quite reasonable, if not always accurate, assumption that the people they’re fucking are also single—otherwise they wouldn’t be fucking them, right? If you neglect to inform the women you fuck that you’re not single (you’ve got a girlfriend) or emotionally available (you’re in an open relationship, not a poly one), you are knowingly taking advantage—and needlessly! There are plenty of women out there who are in open relationships and/or poly relationships, as well as women who are looking only for sex. And while you might have to work a little harder to find these women, SHOP, you’ll have better sex with a lot less drama—and you’ll spend fewer millennia in purgatory burning off your sins.
On the Savage Lovecast, hear Dan and YouTube sensation Arielle Scarcella go full lesbian: savagelovecast.com.
> Email Dan Savage