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Savage Love: Sheathe That Thing

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But if it’s a dick sheath you want, SLAM, Matthew has some advice about how to get one.

“SLAM should suggest going sex-toy shopping with her boyfriend,”said Matthew. “She could tell her boyfriend she’s in a filthy mood and fancies something big. She should put the emphasis on wanting him to give her some big-toy fucking and add that this is something that you can both do together.

Have him help pick out different toys—like some big dildos—while saying encouraging things like ‘Ooohh, wouldn’t you like to fuck me with this one?’ When you come across the cock sheath, add it to your cart explaining that it would be a perfect sex-toy solution for your mood.”

I’m going to break in here for a second: If you feel like your boyfriend might have a meltdown if you start talking about wanting something huge for a change—the implication being, of course, that he isn’t able to provide you with that something on his own (how big are his forearms?)—head to the sex-toy shop without any stated agenda and see how he reacts to the cock sheaths on display. If he recoils from them, SLAM, you might wanna steer him over to the body paints and bondage gear. But if he seems intrigued and not threatened by the cock sheaths, ask him how he’d feel about fucking you with one of those, without seeming too hugely invested in being fucked by one of those yourself.

And what do you do if you manage to leave the sex-toy store with a cock sheath and a boyfriend whose ego is still intact?

“Be encouraging about enjoying the extra size and having him fuck you with toys,” said Matthew. “When it comes to the sheath, keep it jovial—laugh about it and tell him he’s sexy. A fun atmosphere can help alleviate insecurities. And by the time you’re done and dusted, you’ll know better if you prefer him with or without the sheath.”

Go to OhJoySexToy.com to see examples of Erika and Matthew’s work. Their comic about pregnancy is particularly inspired and a great resource for parents who are having a hard time explaining where babies come from. Follow them on Twitter at @PlusTenStrength and @ErikaMoen.

I am a 22-year-old heterosexual female. I may possibly be bi, but I don’t know. I really like the dick, but I am attracted to women and fantasize about fucking a pretty woman with a strap-on. I asked my boyfriend of a year if I could live out my fantasy, but he said he doesn’t want me “fucking another woman like a man.” I asked if maybe I could do this to him instead, but he said no. I like BDSM, but the most he’ll do is hold my arms down and spank me. I’ve asked for other things—bondage, nipple clamps, paddles, etc.—but he says that stuff takes too much time and the bother of it “kills the mood.” I offered to set up stuff beforehand—ropes already tied to the corners of the bed, for instance—but he doesn’t want me to do that because “what if someone saw it.” Am I just being inconsiderate and selfish? Maybe I’m asking too much, but I felt that I was beyond honest about all of this before we started dating. My ex-husband (yes, ex-husband: I got married at 16 and divorced last year) was never okay with any of this, either, and would call me a freak when I opened up about my desires—so I made sure not to hide them from my current boyfriend when we met. Now what am I supposed to do? Just drop it? Or should I talk to him? How do I talk to him? —Confused And Sexually Denied

Yes, CASD, you should drop it—and by “it” I mean “him.”

You wasted five years of your life on a man who couldn’t meet your needs and sex-shamed you about your perfectly ordinary, perfectly average kinks. You’ve been with this new guy for a year, and he’s revealed himself to be every bit as lazy, inconsiderate, and sex-shamey as your ex-husband. DTMFA. There are tons of guys out there who would (1) be happy to indulge your kinks and (2) make lovely boyfriends and/or husbands. Go find one—or two or three or four.

On the Savage Lovecast, it’s Bible study time with nondouchey Christian John Shore at savagelovecast.com.

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