Arts & Culture
Savage Love: Quickies
Published: September 4, 2013
At my 50th birthday party, my older brother announced to everyone—including my new wife, our parents, and his teenage son—that I used to wear women’s clothes. I was humiliated and deeply hurt. I wanted to punch him and tell all his secrets. But I didn’t. Now I am planning to humiliate him on a special occasion of his. Childish, I know, but what else can I do to save face?
—Devastated In Denver
You could’ve saved face in the moment by laughing and saying something like this: “Yeah, I was quite the little pervert back then, bro, but weren’t we all at that age?” Your parents, your new wife, your brother’s son, et al. would’ve imagined your brother doing something much, much worse than wearing women’s clothes. But it’s too late for that comeback. (Avoir l’esprit de l’escalier, right?) So my advice now: Pick a special, solemn occasion—your brother’s anniversary party, midnight mass, his son’s graduation—and show up in full fuckin’ drag.
I’m a 33-year-old lesbian. A year ago, my partner and I split up for five months. During that time, I dated a girl while my partner engaged in multiple sexual relationships—all with men. We ended up getting back together. One problem keeps me from moving on: I am the only woman my partner has ever been with, and I can’t stop thinking about the fact that she spent so much “quality time” with so many men while we were apart. I can’t help but wonder if she’s bi or straight! It also hurts that she feels like she can’t be honest with me about what she likes or wants or needs sexually. I should mention that we are a little over a year into our “new” relationship and we never have sex. I initiated sex a week ago—the first time we’ve had sex in four months!—and she came, I didn’t, and she didn’t care. Any time I try to talk to her about it, she gets defensive and tells me that she is attracted to me and insists she doesn’t like sex with guys. What do I do, Dan?
—Fixing To Explode
Thought experiment: Let’s pretend your girlfriend is a lesbian. (And why not? Your girlfriend does.) What kind of a lesbian GF is she? The kind of lesbian GF who doesn’t fuck you much, sucks in bed on those rare occasions when she does fuck you, and manipulates you emotionally to keep you from calling her on her doesn’t-fuck-you-much/sucks-in-bed-when-she-does bullshit. So, FTE, your GF—lesbian or not—is selfish and inconsiderate and she’s making you miserable. End it.
Hetero, 44, female. I cannot orgasm when I have been drinking. Isn’t that the opposite problem of most women? And oh, baby, I orgasm fast and hard when I am sober. Also, what is a bad mama jama? I have always wanted to know.
—Where Did O Go?
Shakespeare diagnosed your problem centuries ago: Boozing “provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.” As for “bad mama jama,” WDOG, I wasn’t familiar with the expression—first guess: a Martin Lawrence comedy about a male FBI agent who goes undercover as the first black woman to edit the Journal of the American Medical Association—but the Google tells me it’s a song about something or other.
I’m a submissive gay boy into puppy play. And I have a huge crush on a certain sex-advice columnist and his crazy-hot husband. How do I get to be their owned puppy?
—Boy After Real Kinks
Good news, BARK! Terry says we can get a puppy! But he says we’ll have to get our puppy fixed. That’s a big ask, I realize, but we wanna be responsible dog owners.
This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan speaks with porn-industry director, performer, and producer Joanna Angel at savagelovecast.com.
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