Arts & Culture
Savage Love: Quickies
Published: September 4, 2013
Settle this for us, Dan? Which is the bigger ask: a one-time, once-in-a-lifetime threesome or regular (and pretty damn elaborate) bondage sessions?
—Ruling On Private Enquiry Required
Let me guess: Your partner is into bondage, ROPER, and you’re not. But you’ve been doing the hard work of tying him/her/some-other-point-along-the-gender-spectrum up for months, years or decades … and the partner you’ve gone to great lengths to indulge (and restrain) regards your request for a once-in-a-lifetime/standard-issue-fantasy threesome as too much to ask of him/her/SOPATGS.
My ruling: Regular and intense bondage sessions are the bigger ask in terms of time and effort—particularly if I guessed wrong, ROPER, and you’re the person who’s getting tied up and bondage isn’t your thing—but a threesome, even just one, is going to be a bigger ask emotionally for most people. While the former requires patience and endurance, the latter requires revisiting feelings about monogamy, sharing your partner with another person, etc. It’s a smaller ask in terms of time and effort, certainly, but a higher hurdle in fee-fee terms.
I am a single hetero male. I had a female FWB for several months. She started dating a new guy, and he asked that she stop talking to me. That seems like a red flag. If he’d asked that we stop having sex, that would be one thing, but asking her to completely end the friendship seems like a warning sign of a controller. Am I overreacting? Does that seem like a red flag to you? Should I say anything to her?
—Can’t Understand Lover’s Loss
Isolating a romantic partner from her family and friends is a red flag—that’s a classic abuser move—but asking a girl you’ve just started dating to cut off a friend she’s been fucking for months isn’t necessarily an abuser move. If he’s asking her to cut non-FWB friends and family members in addition to you, CULL, then it’s a red flag and you should speak to her. But if it’s only you, CULL, then it’s just some garden-variety insecurity on the new BF’s part. Let your friend know that you hope you can reestablish your friendship once her new BF is feeling more secure or her BF is out of the picture—whichever comes first.
My boyfriend and I have been having lots of problems. I am way too critical, and he has “erectile dysfunction,” aka issues getting and staying hard. But I recently discovered that he can get hard in an instant by licking my feet or using them to masturbate! This is great! He is finally opening up sexually! I want to explore this with him and let him know that his sexuality is a beautiful thing. But I can’t find enough information on the internet on how to support him. Any advice?
—Truly Over Erotic Slump
Your boyfriend doesn’t have “erectile dysfunction,” TOES, and never did. Your BF, like millions of other men who are presumed to have ED, simply wasn’t doing the things that turn him on. Now that he is—now that your feet are in play—he doesn’t have any issues getting and staying hard. And you don’t need anything off the internet, TOES. You already have everything you need to support your boyfriend: the shit in your shoes (those lovely feet of yours) and the shit between your ears (your supportive, sex-positive attitude about his kinks). Have fun.
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