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Arts & Culture

Savage Love: Distressed Dad

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Follow Jesse Bering on Twitter @JesseBering.

I am a het husband. Before we married, I let my wife know that I loved spanking women and I was not a faithful man. Fast-forward 20 years: She does not like to be spanked and does not want me cheating, despite my earlier proclamation. So I watch spanking porn and remain faithful. Am I cheating on my wife with porn? Was I not specific enough when we got married?
—Wannabe Intensely Spanking Husband

You are not cheating on your wife when you watch porn—spanking or otherwise. And I don’t think getting together with other women for spanking-only playdates would constitute cheating. Sadly for you, WISH, I’m not your wife.

When I was a teenager, my mother found some dirty stories I wrote on my computer. They were hardcore (bondage, slavery, whippings), and some featured neighborhood MILFs that I had crushes on. I was 14 at the time. My mom went ballistic and terrorized me about my kinks until I left for college. I hated my mother so much during this time. I didn’t feel like I could trust her, and I never confided in her about anything. It took me a decade to get over it. I’m now 30, straight and married. My wife and I appear to be “normal.” But we are both into bondage and S&M, we go to fetish parties, and we’ve explored cuckolding and forced bi. My wife and I aren’t a perfect fit—I enjoyed cuckolding (my fantasy) but not so much forced bi (seeing me suck dick was her fantasy)—but our kinks have brought us a lot of joy. Cutting to the chase: My wife is pregnant. We announced the news to my mom and dad, and they were delighted. I was honestly delighted to make my parents so happy. Then my mother sent me an e-mail saying that I had her to thank for my relationship and my child-to-be. If she hadn’t “nipped those dark sexual impulses in the bud,” I would “not now have a lovely wife and a morally acceptable lifestyle,” and she wouldn’t be expecting her first grandchild. Mom thinks her five-year-long campaign of shaming me—and constantly spying on me and haranguing me—cured me of my kinks! I’m so angry. I want to tell my mother that she has my “dark sexual impulses” to thank for her first grandchild! I met my kinky wife on Fetlife! No kinks, no wife! No wife, no grandchild! My wife would rather not be outed as kinky to her mother-in-law and says to let it go. What do you say?
—Mad Over Terribly Hurtful E-mail Received

I agree with your wife: Let it go. Ignore your mother’s hurtful e-mail—just don’t respond—and focus on your wife and the child you two are having together. The last thing you need is your mother getting in your wife’s face about her kinks or running to fetus protective services because she believes kinky parents are a danger to their children.

But…
Just in case your mother brings it up again—if she presses you for an undeserved thank-you-for-terrorizing-me note—write an email to your mother, one that your wife sees in advance and approves. Something along the lines of: “My adolescent sexual fantasies were none of your business, and your inability to respect my privacy and sexual autonomy caused me great personal distress at the time. Your actions did not help me. They damaged our relationship. My adult sex life is none of your business, and I am not going to answer any invasive or inappropriate questions. All you need to know is this: My wife and I very happy together—both emotionally and sexually compatible—and if you want to be fully involved in the life of your grandchild, you will never bring this subject up again.”

On the Lovecast: Dan matches wits with 74-time Jeopardy! winner Ken Jennings at savagelovecast.com.

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