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Arts & Culture

Savage Love: Depressing

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I’m a 21-year-old gay male who loves listening to the Savage Lovecast as I bike to school. My question: Can someone grow out of or “quit” a fetish? For me, I’m an ABDL, which stands for “adult baby/diaper lover.” I get turned on by putting other guys into diapers or having other, usually older, guys put me in diapers. I can have normal sex and have had a few decent relationships, or at least as decent as most gay guys still in college have, with guys I’ve met through kink sites like Fetlife or through the normal means of meeting guys. I’ve met a great guy who has helped me mix ABDL with bondage for some REAL fun, and I’m pretty okay with knowing that there’s nothing particularly wrong with having a kink like mine. I had a perfectly normal childhood, and it’s not like I suffered a diaper-related trauma or something. I just always liked diapers. Unfortunately, this particular fetish creeps most people out and is closely associated with pedophilia, even though members of the ABDL community have NO interest in kids. However, the idea of being into this kink when I’m in my 40s really grosses me out. I’ve gone through the binge-and-purge cycle most guys go through when they realize they’re into diapers. But is there any way to retrain your brain to not get off on a particular fetish?
—Another Boy Diaper Lover

The consensus in the sex-and-science research crowd is this: Your kinks will always be your kinks—a brain cannot be retrained where kinks are concerned—so you might as well enjoy your kinks. But that’s only if your kinks can be enjoyed consensually, ABDL, which yours happily can be. And while it’s true that some people have taken drugs to “treat” disturbing kinks, these drugs—mostly SSRIs—suppress libido generally; they do not target (nor can they eradicate) one kink in particular. (Are you willing to give up sex to get over diapers? I didn’t think so.)
That said, ABDL, kinks have certain narratives—kinks have broad themes—and figuring out your kink’s narratives and themes may help you tap into and enjoy other kinks with similar Ns and Ts but lower creep factors. If what you enjoy about diapers is the helplessness and loss of control they symbolize mixed with your submission to an affectionate and caring authority figure, you might find fetish puppy play similarly arousing, ABDL, as that kink also has themes of helplessness, dependence and affection. And while most people don’t find fucking a person who is pretending to be a baby dog any less creepy than fucking a person who’s pretending to be a baby baby, there seem to be a lot more puppy players out there than diaper fans.
But honestly, ABDL, I think you should keep looking for a guy who’s into the same things you are. If for some reason you can’t date the great guy who helped you mix diaper play with bondage, you should take his existence as proof that there are other guys like him, i.e., guys who will like you and like what you like.

Setting sexually transmitted infections aside, is it safer for a woman planning to have a one-night stand to take the guy back to her place or to go to his place? Does this apply if both are staying in hotels?
—Reader Is Seeking Knowledge

When you’re having sex with a stranger, RISK, it’s generally considered safer—some would argue only marginally so—to go back to his place. The reason for this is kinda depressing: A stranger is less likely to murder you at his place because then he has to dispose of your body, which is apparently a real pain in the ass. But if he murders you at your place, RISK, he can jet in the morning and stick your landlord and loved ones with disposal duties.

This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan chats with an expert about sex after weight-loss surgery: savagelovecast.com

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