Arts & Culture
Savage Love: Anger Issues
Published: February 26, 2014
I’m 21 and still a virgin. I also have depression. I’m not bad-looking. I work out and generally keep people laughing. I got a lot of female attention in school, but I was hopeless and still am. Most of my friends have girlfriends, so I don’t understand why I haven’t had a girlfriend since I was 10. I feel myself becoming increasingly violent, to the extent that I have tried to provoke a fight that wasn’t necessary and I try to intimidate other guys when I’m out. I’ve been unemployed for three years since dropping out of college, and I haven’t really met a girl I was interested in since school. I’ve never made the first move with girls. I never feel compelled to, regardless of how attractive I find them. I do get a lot of eye contact from girls, and I’ve been approached by girls, but we barely ever get past exchanging names before they wander off or their friends pull them away. Writing this out has made me realize I should start approaching girls, but I don’t think it’s just that. Surely I should’ve met someone by now? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
—Hopeless Over Painful Experience
Women typically expect the guy to do the approaching/asking out/hitting on, HOPE, so that’s definitely something you’ll have to work on. And if a woman is making eye contact with you in a space where it’s generally understood that people are open to meeting new people, flirting with them and potentially fucking them (house parties, bars, clubs, CPAC), eye contact is an invitation to introduce yourself.
But if women are approaching you and then “wandering off” after conversing with you for a moment or two—or being rescued by their friends—then you’re doing something wrong. I’m guessing you came across as angry and potentially violent because you are angry and potentially violent, and you’ve made a self-defeating decision to cultivate an intimidating vibe. That shit repels people, HOPE, and you’re never going to get anywhere with women—or employers, for that matter—if you give yourself over to anger, violence and menace. Bearing this in mind might take the edge off your anger: Fully 15 percent of 21-year-old men are virgins, HOPE, while only 5 percent of 25-year-old men are virgins. So you have a better than 66 percent chance of losing your virginity in the next few years if you can stop (1) wallowing in self-pity and (2) giving yourself over to anger.
My advice: Get your ass to a doctor and a therapist. Medication can help with the depression, and a good therapist can help you overcome your anger, self-pity and violent fantasies. Getting help, HOPE, is the best way to increase your odds of getting laid and/or getting a girlfriend.
I am a heterosexual male. I was dating this girl for six months. We weren’t living together, but there were two toothbrushes at my place. We weren’t living together, but there were tampons and birth control pills in my medicine cabinet. We weren’t living together, but there was yogurt in my fridge. You get the picture. Anyway, things were going well until she told me about a friend-of-a-friend who was building a website for a local “swingers club.” I didn’t get outraged, and this outraged her. A four-hour discussion followed, during which I held my “good for them” ground, and at the end of it, I no longer had yogurt, tampons and birth control pills at my place—and I no longer had a girlfriend. All I did was not get outraged, and it cost me a girlfriend. Does this seem a little extreme? Am I crazy?
—Her Ex Looks Perplexed
No, HELP, you’re not crazy. You’re lucky.
Send that friend-of-a-friend a thank-you note. Because if he weren’t building a website for a swingers club, HELP, you might still have tampons, yogurt and scented soaps in your apartment—along with the crazy, controlling, insecure nutjob who came with ’em.
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