Free Will Astrology
Published: March 26, 2014
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You know how Jesus could supposedly turn water into wine? Well, St. Brigit, a sixth-century Irish nun, was legendary for an even greater miracle. When visitors came to her monastery in Kildare, she changed her old bathwater into beer for them to drink. I think there’s a good chance you will develop that precise talent sometime soon. APRIL FOOL! I kind of lied. You won’t really possess St. Brigit’s supernatural power. However, you will have an uncanny ability to make transmutations that are almost as dramatic as changing bathwater to beer.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The band Rush was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last May. Guitarist Alex Lifeson delivered an unusual acceptance speech. For the two minutes he spoke, he repeated one word endlessly: “blah.” “Blah-blah-blah,” he began. “Blah-blah-blah blah-blah blah-blah.” Many hand gestures and shifting vocal inflections accompanied his rap, always in support of variations on “blah-blah.” This is the spirit you should bring to all of your important conversations in the coming week. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, the opposite is true. It’s crucial for you to speak very precisely and articulately in the coming week. Say exactly what you mean. Don’t rely on meaningless bullshit like “blah-blah.”
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When a human embryo begins to develop in the womb, the very first body part that appears is -- can you guess? -- the anus. This scientific fact led the witty commentators at QI.com to declare that “Every human being starts out as an asshole.” They were making a joke, of course, hinting that every one of us has an unattractive quality or two that make us at least a little bit of a jerk. That’s the bad news, Scorpio. The good news is that you now have an unprecedented chance to transform the assh--- aspects of your personality. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You’re not an assh---, not even a little bit. But it is true that the coming weeks will be an excellent time to try to fix or at least modulate your least attractive qualities.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To be in strict compliance with cosmic necessity, you should attend a party every day in the coming week. Dance ecstatically, make love abundantly and expose yourself to previously unknown pleasures. Feast on a wide variety of food and drink that introduces you to novel tastes. Make sure you experience record levels of sensual enjoyment, nonstop excitement and dynamic socializing. APRIL FOOL! I’m exaggerating, although just a little. Try doing a 70-percent version of what I advised.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Lifehacker.com has a step-by-step guide to set up your home as a command center where you can pursue your plans for world domination. The article provides advice on how to build a surveillance system, encrypt your computer files and prepare for black-outs and weather emergencies. Do it, Capricorn! Get the lowdown at bit.ly/secretlair. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You don’t really need to create a high-tech fortress. But you would be wise to make your home into more of an ultra-comfortable, super-inspiring sanctuary -- a place where you feel so safe and strong and smart that you will always have total power over yourself and never feel driven to fulfill anyone else’s standards of success but your own.