Trending
MOST READ
Beaches Be Trippin\': Five Texas Coast Spots Worth the Drive

Beaches Be Trippin': Five Texas Coast Spots Worth the Drive

Arts & Culture: Let’s face it, most of us Lone Stars view the Texas coast as a poor man’s Waikiki. Hell, maybe just a poor man’s Panama Beach — only to be used... By Callie Enlow 7/10/2013
What to Know Before You Go On A Cleanse

What to Know Before You Go On A Cleanse

Food & Drink: It’s been a year since I’ve taken up this gig of eating and drinking across San Antonio. Since then, no fewer than seven juice shops have opened in the area... By Jessica Elizarraras 8/20/2014
Big Hops Gastropub Brings Beer-centric Eats to the Northside

Big Hops Gastropub Brings Beer-centric Eats to the Northside

Food & Drink: On a recent Sunday, my wife and I drove up 281 and into the heart of San Antonio’s ever-expanding Northside suburbs to try out... By Lance Higdon 8/20/2014
Brendan Gleeson Carries Pitch-black ‘Calvary,’ Weighed Down by the Rest

Brendan Gleeson Carries Pitch-black ‘Calvary,’ Weighed Down by the Rest

Screens: Father James (Brendan Gleeson) sits in a confessional, waiting. An unseen man enters the box and says, “The first time I tasted semen, I was seven... By David Riedel 8/20/2014
SA’s Gritty PuroSlam is Feared, Respected in National Slam Poetry Scene

SA’s Gritty PuroSlam is Feared, Respected in National Slam Poetry Scene

Arts & Culture: See, there is this place where people participate in a ritual derived from the verbal tradition of telling and retelling stories to a room of bodies... By Melanie Robinson 8/20/2014
Calendar

Search hundreds of restaurants in our database.

Search hundreds of clubs in our database.

Follow us on Instagram @sacurrent

Print Email

ASK A MEXICAN

¡ASK A MEXICAN!

Photo: , License: N/A


Dear Mexican: Why is it that every Mexican I know refuses to eat chocolate? My in-laws drink things I wouldn't clean my carburetor in. They fill their piñatas with every kind of hard candy — but no chocolate! I bring out a bag of M&Ms and everyone backs away to the far side of the bar. Mole doesn't count. It has chocolate, sure, but chocolate held in check by the chelating effects of a boiled chicken. I mean real chocolate. The kind that my wife turns up her chato nose at. I asked her about this on Valentine's Day. (I had to give her some strawberry something-or-other.) I put it to her that chocolate comes from Mexico, and yet no one in her family will go near it. Is there something you people haven't been telling us? And she does that whistling-at-the-ceiling bit. She thinks she is being funny. She is messing with my mind, is what she is doing.

Have you noticed that Mexicans who refuse chocolate remain basically normal? A little slow to pick up the check in restaurants, but they are not drooling, bat-shit crazy. Meanwhile, white people — who named the Hershey Bar after the site of the world's first nuclear meltdown — are disintegrating into madness? Jan Brewer sightings are rampant in Arizona. Orly Taitz was on the ballot in California. All of this, as civilization hurtles toward the end of the Aztec calendar — the Aztecs, who invented chocolate and then vanished from the earth! Is it paranoia to speak of a coming Chocolate Apocalypse?
— Concerned in colorad

Dear Gabacho: Last week while the Mexican spoke to a high school class, a student asked the following: "What would you rather confront — a horse-sized duck, or a hundred duck-sized horses?" It was a silly question, but it was okay for the student to ask it because he's a high-schooler (the answer I gave, by the way, was the horse-sized duck — you never want numbers to overwhelm you. Just ask the American Southwest, or those who defended the Alamo). Your query reminds me of that pregunta in its randomness, except without the charm, insight, or any sense whatsoever. Ever think your in-laws might be diabetic? Ever think that they won't eat American chocolate, which is essentially sugar colored in cacao? Do you know that the Mayas were making chocolate when the Aztecs were still living in the swamps? Chocolate is still huge in Mexico, but it's markedly more bitter, better, and largely made in artisanal batches that vary in taste from region to region; even the biggest seller, Nestlé-owned Carlos V, is far better than anything you can get in the Estados Jodidos. Kudos to you, though, for working in "chelating" into your question, although the only part most Mexicans will get is the chela part.

I commute a lot in the Los Angeles area and see many Mexican gardeners with trucks filled to impossible heights with piled-up shrubbery, tree clippings, and the like — but where are they taking all this refuse? I have several theories: that they are either driving around all day letting a branch drop one at a time until the truck bed is empty; that they are scouting dumpsters all over town that they can illegally dump their refuse into them at night; or, that the piles of greenery are actually hiding a newly smuggled batch of illegals. Your feedback most appreciated.
— Mulch man

Dear Gabacho: No, we hide our illegals in fake trunks and scout dumpsters to toss in concrete. And those gardeners are taking their clippings to a place called the "municipal dump," which I hear has the same address as your brain.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano, or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

Recently in Arts & Culture
We welcome user discussion on our site, under the following guidelines:

To comment you must first create a profile and sign-in with a verified DISQUS account or social network ID. Sign up here.

Comments in violation of the rules will be denied, and repeat violators will be banned. Please help police the community by flagging offensive comments for our moderators to review. By posting a comment, you agree to our full terms and conditions. Click here to read terms and conditions.
comments powered by Disqus