Beaches Be Trippin\': Five Texas Coast Spots Worth the Drive

Beaches Be Trippin': Five Texas Coast Spots Worth the Drive

Arts & Culture: Let’s face it, most of us Lone Stars view the Texas coast as a poor man’s Waikiki. Hell, maybe just a poor man’s Panama Beach — only to be used... By Callie Enlow 7/10/2013

Best Salsa Club

Best of SA 2013: 4/24/2013
A Small Slice of San Anto’s Spooky Haunts

A Small Slice of San Anto’s Spooky Haunts

Arts & Culture: San Antonio is one of the oldest cities in the United States, and its history stretches long before the people behind the American or Texas Revolutions... By Mark Reagan 10/15/2014
Chris Pérez, Selena’s Husband, Faces His Past and Looks Forward, Musically

Chris Pérez, Selena’s Husband, Faces His Past and Looks Forward, Musically

Music: Chris Pérez never saw it coming. “All I ever wanted to do was play guitar,” he told the Current. “I never thought I’d be the subject of an interview... By Enrique Lopetegui 8/28/2013
A Look Back at SA\'s Homebrew History

A Look Back at SA's Homebrew History

The Beer Issue: Homebrewing is a foundational American virtue. Not just Sam Adams smiling back from the bottle that bears his name—virtually all the... By Lance Higdon 10/15/2014

Search hundreds of restaurants in our database.

Search hundreds of clubs in our database.

Follow us on Instagram @sacurrent

Print Email



Photo: , License: N/A

Dear Mexican: In anticipation of the upcoming Reconquista, I've decided that I need a Mexican girlfriend. I feel this will help me fit in better with our new Mexican overlords. However, Mexican ladies must be approached with particular regard to culture and customs, and that raises many questions.

A well-known example of Mexican womanhood is Consuelo Velázquez, who wrote "Besame Mucho" when she was 16, but never actually got kissed until she was 25. Clearly the Mexican girl is a shy, delicate, retiring flower who must be approached with restraint and tenderness. Also, there is the tradition of the dueña or chaperon, the female relative or friend who accompanies the girl during her encounters with her boyfriend. As I understand it, the dueña joins the girl in her room at her father's hacienda as the girl talks to her mounted caballero amoroso through the bars that cover her window. Surely, this is an accurate description of modern Mexican courtship.

On the other hand, Mexican girls are spicy señoritas who dance for coins on the tables of cantinas and tempt men into sin with low-cut peasant blouses worn off the shoulder. Furthermore, when I was growing up I heard rumors of something called a Mexican Donkey Show, which somehow combined Mexicans and donkeys in ways that were never clearly explained, but which seemed ripe with possibility to my eagerly inquiring adolescent mind.

In addition, it is well known that all Mexican girls carry razor blades for the purpose of defending their honor. Whether they are defending their honor against males of the hot-blooded Mexican type or of the coldly calculating Anglo type depends on who's telling the story and isn't important. What matters are la mexicana's warrior traditions and her choice of weapon.

So, my intended is a young woman of virginal sluttiness, a murderously helpless naïf of worldly experience who must be treated with respect and discretion to avoid bruising her tender sensibilities, and also to prevent her from cutting off my balls.

My plan is to lull her into lowering her guard by inviting her to the local symphony when they've scheduled an all-Manuel Ponce night, take her out afterwards and get her drunk on tequila, steal her razor blade, and declare my undying love. This will work because it is every girl's dream of romance to be drunk, defenseless, and at the mercy of an amorous foreigner who doesn't speak her language.

Unfortunately, even the best-laid plans may be undone by insufficient attention to detail, and in an inter-cultural relationships such as this one, it is especially important not to violate the norms of Mexican courtship. My question therefore is this: Will the girl's family supply the chaperon, or do I need to rent one for the occasion?
— Frito Bandito (Cockney Rhyming Slang for "Amorcito Solito")

Dear Limey: Your summation of the stereotypes surrounding Mexican mujeres? To quote your people, effen' bloody brilliant, luv! Wish that the dueña system was still around, though — nowadays, all you need is Juanes on your iTunes and a Mexican woman's chonis melt off faster than ice cream on asphalt.

SHOUT-OUT TO: Metropolitan State University of Denver, which lowered tuition rates for undocumented students who have lived in Denver most of their lives after the Colorado State Legislature refused to pass a bill that would've done the same. I had the honor of speaking at Metro State in 2010 as part of their Richard T. Castro Distinguished Visiting Professorship, and it's awesome to see the university continue in the path of the best Chicano activist the rest of the country has never heard of. Metro State — denle gas!

Ask the Mexican at, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano, or ask him a video question at!

Recently in Arts & Culture
We welcome user discussion on our site, under the following guidelines:

To comment you must first create a profile and sign-in with a verified DISQUS account or social network ID. Sign up here.

Comments in violation of the rules will be denied, and repeat violators will be banned. Please help police the community by flagging offensive comments for our moderators to review. By posting a comment, you agree to our full terms and conditions. Click here to read terms and conditions.
comments powered by Disqus